Mike’s Family Blog

I’ve heard of and seen video of gangs of parrots taking apart cars in New Zealand, but this is a new one for Canada.

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Woodpecker enjoying smashing car mirrors
Creating headache for local residents

Wed Sep 27 2006

By Jeff Lee

VANCOUVER — A pileated woodpecker who doesn’t like what he sees has been smashing vehicle mirrors on Vancouver’s east side, creating a headache not only for himself but for local residents.

“You can almost see the perfect little holes he’s been drilling into the mirrors,” said Darren May yesterday. “I guess he figures he’s looking at another woodpecker, and he doesn’t like it.”

The woodpecker — which, at the size of a large crow is among the largest in North America — cracked the mirrors on both May’s van, and his mother’s car last week outside their home.

On Monday, the bird was back at it again, taking chunks out of the van’s mirror.

“I found glass bits on the ground underneath the mirror. He’s really been hammering away at it,” he said.

As a result, May’s mother covered her mirrors Monday night with plastic bags, and in the morning discovered half a dozen neighbours had done the same.

Birds fighting their reflections aren’t new, said Dick Cannings, a naturalist and former curator of the University of British Columbia’s vertebrate museum. But it’s the first time he’s ever heard of a woodpecker taking on a car mirror.

“It’s very usual for birds to fight their own image,” Cannings said. “It’s a bit unusual for a woodpecker to go after a mirror, which is pretty small.”

The pileated woodpecker, which has a distinctive red crest, can grow up to 50 centimetres long, has a wingspan of up to 76 cm and can weigh up to a third of a kilogram. When it drills for bugs in trees, the sound has been likened to hitting a tree with a heavy mallet.

May said it will cost him several hundred dollars to have the mirrors replaced, which he said aren’t covered under his automobile insurance.

“When they stopped laughing, ICBC told me I was on my own because the deductible will cover the damage,” he said.

LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, ” come look at the lizard!”

“Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!” I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal t hrough a magnifying glass “What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um…. um…. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

“Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.” We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie’s just… just… excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just… that… I’m picturing you pulling on its… its… teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140…
2 - Cage - $50…
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30…
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie….. Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs.

Taken from the Winnipeg Free Press.
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E-mail hoax regarding Mars resurfaces
Earthlings have nothing to fear, astronomers say

Sat Aug 12 2006

By Barbara Aggerholm

KITCHENER, Ont. — If the planet Mars is as close to Earth as it’s rumoured to be, there’s only one thing to do: Duck. Now.

An anonymous e-mail, complete with a PowerPoint presentation, is making the rounds and creating some excitement among Earthlings who don’t normally keep track of sky events.

“The Red Planet is about to be spectacular!” the e-mail trumpets. On Aug. 27, Mars will be closer to Earth than it has ever been “in recorded history,” it says. “Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.”

Now before you haul out the lawn chairs and start the Mars party guest list, you’d better consider this: The e-mail is a hoax. Not even a new one.

The same e-mail circulated last year and the year before that too, causing friends, neighbours and even family members to pump local amateur astronomers for more information then, just as they’re doing now.

“I’ve had 20 people come up to me to ask about it,” said Darryl Archer, a serious amateur astronomer who lives outside Baden, Ont.

“My sister sent it (the bogus e-mail) to me yesterday and I said, ‘Oh no, my sister should know better.’”

It’s a good thing it isn’t true, said Archer, whose photography has been featured in astronomy magazines. Because if Mars were to come as close as the e-mail promises, all hell would break loose.

“If that happens, it’s really bad. It means Mars is out of orbit and it will hit the Earth,” he said.

Archer’s photograph of Mars, taken in October when Mars was high in the sky, is included in an article by Terence Dickinson, editor of SkyNews, that debunks the Mars e-mail.

“Mars did in fact come closest to Earth in recorded history on Aug. 27, but that was Aug. 27, 2003, not this year,” Dickinson wrote in the article called The Mars Hoax.

“It was bright, but it looked like a bright star, not anything like the full moon. Never has. Never will.”

In August 2003, Dickinson wrote, Mars did indeed come within 56 million kilometres of Earth, which set a 60,000-year record. It was bright then, he said, but any other time it looks just like a “moderately bright star.”

It just so happens that the 2006 Perseid meteor shower will peak today and tomorow. After sunset, spread your blanket, lie down and look up at the sky. It won’t be all that dark, due to light from the moon, but you’ll see something, which is more than you can say about Mars.

– Waterloo Region Record

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.” He was quiet for a moment and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, Putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own Childhood was like “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
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I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”
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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m Four to six.”
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
“That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,”
replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’”
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Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No, said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”